News

The brave citizens or Aftermath were counting the cost this morning as the sun rose on the smoking remains of their once proud city. Last night’s Apache attack, the redskins taking advantage of the moonless night to launch their long expected raid, has left the town reeling and several of its inhabitants injured.

The attack began when rancher Jackson, owner of the Southfork ranch, was struck by an arrow at the main barricade to the east of the city. Rancher Jackson had brought his cow hands into the city to bolster its defences in the realisation that his own isolated steading was indefensible. The next minute Apache braves were streaming through the flimsy defences of the city - looting the Stagecoach office before swarming over the Undertaker’s offices. Clem Wheeler and his wife were hard pressed on several sides by the despicable natives - though they showed that the citizens of Aftermath are no pushover and saw off no less than 4 braves between them. Mrs Wheeler was heard to bellow at one marauder “You should be ashamed of yourself - what would your mother say?” as she pushed the tongue-lashed brave from the stairway. Things became even more desperate as the underhand apache fired the building beneath its stalwart defenders, who included Doctor Fondly and an unidentified cavalry trooper. Sadly Clem himself fell in combat towards the end of the evening and only time will tell if his funereal presence will ever again grace the streets of Aftermath.

Although the brave lads of Lieutenant Meehan’s patrol stemmed the flood, it was undoubtedly the timely arrival of those inscrutable oriental fellows from the Green Dragon Laundry who began to turn the tide - efficiently and methodically carving their way through the attacking tribesmen with practised ease: if the laundrymen of the far east are like this, woe betide anyone who ever meets their warriors!

Sherriff Royal’s posse were once again at the rough end of things and several of their number rapidly fell to indian attacks, but the Sherriff himself orchestrated the desperate defence with both panache and bravery: it was his ringing of the alarm bell that set the defenders in motion. Special mention should also be made of those brave brawlers “Crusher” O’Reilly and “Fightin” Bob Tracey who, after initially deserting their posts at the barricade (ostensibly to alert the town to danger) soon threw themselves pell-mell at the onrushing barbarians - clubbing one after the other to the ground in an awesome diplay of pugilistic skill and the effects of righteous anger. One unfortunate indian was knocked unconcious into an open grave in the cemetery by these two fist fighters and then repeatedly buffetted as he lay moaning atop the uncovered casket!

The indian assailants got as far as the Green Dragon Laundry, robbing that establishment as its owners were out of the street battling for their lives, and assaulting Micheal O’Shaughnessy who had been detailed to man the barricades on that side of town. Michael is recovering in his bed this morning, but swears that his attacker was none other than the feared Apache leader Wily Coyote himself - and this reporter is inclined to believe the usually trustworthy publican.

As the sun began to rise, after several hours of desperate fighting, and with the smoke of burning buildings obscuring the defenders’ vision, the majority of the Apache tribesmen melted back into the woods to the east of the city, isolated tribesmen who were unable to make good their escape being roughly treated by gangs of Aftermath citizens in a series of revenge beatings.

Mayor Swanton had this to say, by telegram from San Francisco (where he has been looking after his elderly aunt), “Brave defenders of Aftermath STOP so much is owed to you this proud morning STOP sorry not to have been with you in your finest hour STOP”. 

This reporter is sure that we have not seen the last of the indian menace!

Posted by Trent Buchanan
July 23rd.